You're whole CD feels like you're way of saying goodbye and telling me to leave. It seems so fitting now, arrving just days after I told you we couldn't be friends anymore. It was hard for me to end things, but I didn't know what else to do anymore. Of course I miss you but you know how things were going wasn't making any of us happy. I hope you miss me too. I still check every day for some kind of sign from you, some attempt at communication, and I'm both sad and relieved when their is none.

I hate when I dream of you. It's not fair that you can get to me when I'm stripped down and vulnerable, defenseless in my sleep. At least when I'm awake I can try to fight away thoughts of you. Last night you were in my dreams again. I could feel your arms around me, I could hear you voice tickling my ear, I could feel you breath against my back. And when I awoke I knew in my heart that that's exactly what you were doing with her at that very moment.

You said I was perfect. You said you'd always love me and somehow after hearing it a thousand times you slowly broke through my walls, cracked my foundation and I believed you just in time for the crushing blow. I feel like I'm back at square one. I feel like I'm shattered on the floor with nothing to hold on to. I lack the strength to pick me back up, and I wonder if I even want to anymore.

I don't want to be your enemy, and I can't be your friend. I want to be the girl you're still in love with.

I really should focus more on the things that you do say rather then the empty spots left by the things you don't. Even two years ago I thought you were one of the hardest people to read. You use your humour and playfulness to really mask what's going on in your head. I'm glad we reconnected again but I hate that you could meet someone else. I hate that I can be as perfect as I want to and it's all for nothing because of a postal code.

You make me so angry sometimes. Your wavering and uncertain feelings drive me crazy. How can you expect me to ever consider putting my heart back out there for you again when you're being like this. Just admit you care. Just admit you called because you missed me and not to ask if I had some stupid book of yours. How can you ask me to put myself out there if you're too scared to do the same? I wish I was just done with this. I wish I didn't care in the least, and every day this goes on I'm getting closer to that point.

Hearing you cry tonight made my heart break all over again. I wanted to let all the pain and hurt of these past few months dissipate. I wanted to take away your tears and fill the void with me. Hearing you cry tonight made me realize I still love you, but can that be enough? Your tears make me waver over moving on.

A month ago this role reversal is what I wanted, but never saw coming. And once I was able to move on you changed your mind, and now I just can't do it. I miss you, I think of you, I want nothing more then to scoop you up into me and be your shelter, but right now I feel like all I am is the storm. I'm sorry you think I hate you, I never did. I'm sorry you think I don't care, because I always will. I'm sorry I can't give to you, what I wanted from you not so long ago.

I wish you would message me.

Is 27 too old to play shy and innocent? Is it time to be the seductive vamp? Is that really who I want to be? I can't help it if I still feel like that shy 16 year old girl all the time. I don't know if I could look myself in the mirror if I was any other way.

Sometimes I feel like we're in the movies. I think we all know the ones where you spend the entire middle of it wanting to yell at the main characters to just get over it and have some grand realization. The frustration you feel as they gaze longingly at the phone or shuffle through old memories. And then there's the feeling of relief and that all is right in the world as they have some epiphany and commence the scene where they both drop everything and run towards each other. The moment where they grasp each other closely and confess everything. That moment outshines everything else for me.

My heart still skips a beat when I see your name. My fingers dance towards the phone, already reciting your number in my head. My mind calls out to you as and hopes you can sense what I'm feeling.

But you and I are not a movie. We're reality. I can't let myself dream that a moment like that will ever exist for us. Even if it could, would all be forgiven? I am too damaged for a hollywood ending to this story.

I washed the sheets that you and I last slept on together. Slowly the little traces left of your existance are fading from my life.